just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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