Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
