my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
