I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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