She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
