that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
