Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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