how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
