I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
