A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
