you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
