i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
