Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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