I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
