So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
