Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
