Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
