so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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