Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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