You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
