im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Your dad touched me again.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
