I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
