The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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