I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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