Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
