I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
