I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
