Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
