you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
