He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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