I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
