My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Even my vagina gasped.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
