I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
