i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
