I met the friendliest cop last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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