Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We got so high we made milksteak
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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