I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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