We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
