Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So here I am, sexting at work.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
