i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
tell me about the eggs
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
