just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
my shit smells like andre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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