I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So squirting runs in the family.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Let's get the cat blown out
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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