My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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