just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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