Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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