just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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