sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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