Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
