Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
