You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
