Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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