Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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